A Malec Baby?
by mundane-pansycakes
Summary: What happens when a certain someone creates a certain rune that gets a certain someone pregnant (hint: it's a male). A parody fanfic of what we all wish would happen to Malec: reproduction
1. Chapter 1

**CO-WRITTEN WITH FERRISWHEELFOURTRIS!**

**Disclaimer: This is supposed to be a joke. Not a serious fanfic. If you're looking for a serious one, we have others in our repertoire**

* * *

"I would be more than thrilled to carry our baby, Alexander," Magnus grins.

"It's too late for that." Alec looks down, ashamed.

"NO!" Clary screamed.

"YOU DON'T MEAN?"

"But I do," Alec announced, staring each of his friends in the eyes. He even glared at Chairman Meow, who was sipping his milk innocently. He placed his hand over his stomach and rubbed affectionately (with a little bit of horror).

"WAIT! My uterus rune _worked_?" Clary asked, surprised, but proud of her own talent.

"Sadly," Alec grimaced.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Magnus was furious. "I thought we agreed I wear the dress in this relationship! I'm much maternal. Right, Chairman Meow?" The cat stared at him unenthusiastically.

"Yeah, but Clary drew the rune and now I'm preggers." Alec blushed.

"Huh," Isabelle wondered. "I've been predicting that this would happen to Magnus at some point of his life, but I never imagined it would happen to _YOU!"_

Jace just sat in the corner in a stunned stupor. His sassiness had evaporated with the rest of Alec's masculinity. He hadn't prepared an insult for this type of situation.

Clary burst into applause, so happy for her friends. Simon joined her, clapping for her rune abilities rather than Alec's pregancy. "When did you find out?"

"And how, exactly?"

"You don't see a male Shadowhunter asking for a pregnancy test every day." Simon rolled his eyes.

"Clary made a pregnancy-test rune, as well," Alec sighed. "It disappeared, and that's how I knew I was pregnant."

"Or should you say, WE'RE pregnant," Magnus added, smiling largely.

"So, what is it? A boy or girl?" Clary asks excitedly.

"I don't know, but I know what we're naming it," Magnus says, leaning into Alec's stomach to listen. "It spoke to me."

"What did it say?"

"Cosmo," he whispered intently. "We're naming it COSMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


	2. Chapter 2

Magnus awoke to terrible retching sounds emanating from the bathroom.

"You puking glitter again, Sweet Pea?" He called.

"YES," Alec screamed, "AND DON'T. CALL. ME. THAT!"

Magnus sighed. "Hormones."

"I HEARD THAT."

"Love you, sweet pea!"

Magnus stroked Chairman Meow's fur, wondering what it would be like to be pregnant with a cat. Probably not pleasant.

Alec staggered out of the bathroom, his stomach stretching the fabric of his black beater.

"Ready for the ultrasound?" Magnus asked, twirling his glittering blue fingers.

"No," Alec growled, shoving three sticks of beef jerky in his mouth.

"Alec, it's only been a day," Magnus said. "How are you already _this _pregnant and hormonal?"

Alec shrugged. "Clary put a speed rune on my uterus. By the Angel, that was an experience."

"Come here," Magnus beckoned. Alec sulked over to the bed, spine contorted from the child growing inside him. He laid down on the bed and peeled off his shirt.

"Sexy," Magnus whispered, staring longingly into Alec's glaring blue eyes. Alec growled at him, and Magnus squirted glitter from a tube as he'd seen mundanes do on TLC shows, then spread the glitter over his baby daddy's stomach.

The skin on his stomach began to turn transparent, as the glitter was laced with magic. Magnus examined the tiny fetus-but wait! There were _TWO fetuses _in Alec's bulging stomach!

"Alexander!" Magnus cried excitedly. "Good news!"

"What, is it gone yet?"

"No, but there's two! TWO COSMOS!" Magnus squealed, lifting Chairman Meow and waltzing around the room with ecstasy.

Alec was horrified. "You mean _two _little motherfuckers are growing inside me? I DIDN'T SIGN UP FORT THIS."

Magnus paused in his dancing, much to the Chairman's relief. He slipped a scroll from his robe pocket. "Actually, you deed," Magnus said punningly, tossing the contract onto Alec's stomach, which he examined.

"This isn't my signature," Alec snapped. "I don't sign in glitter pens."

"Well, maybe _you _didn't sign it," Magnus amended. "But I might have . . . "

"MAGNUSSSSSSS," Alec shrieked, his hormones reaching their calamitous peak.

"I know you want me right now," Magnus purred seductively, "but sex isn't good for the babies."

* * *

**STAY TUNED FOR AN EXCITING NEW CHAPTER IN WHICH ALEC TELLS HIS PARENTS! MWAHHHAAHA**


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey, mom!" Magnus chimed as he walked through the kitchen at the Institute, Alec barely hidden behind him––on account of his ridiculously large stomach.

"Don't call me that," Maryse snaps. "We've been over this too many times!"

"Well, it's just I don't have a mother of my own..."

"MAGNUS STAHP!"

"Okay, mom."

Maryse sighed, defeated. "What is this about anyways?"

"You're going to be a grandma!"

"It better not be a vampire child," Maryse said. "And why isn't Isabelle telling me this? Why are _you _here?" Maryse squinted her eyes and was finally able to make out the large bump peeking out behind the warlock's body. "Izzy, is that you? Don't be shy, mommy's here!"

A surprisingly manly voice spoke, making Mayrse fall on the floor, "No, mom." Maryse managed to get up after drawing an iratze on herself. "IT'S ME!" Alec jumped out from behind Magnus, the shadows covering his face. It was kind of like a horror movie (a really strange one in which a man gets pregnant scarily fast).

"DEMON ATTACK! DEMON ATTACK! A demon has invaded my son's stomach!" Maryse screamed, waving her arms dramatically in the air.

"Actually his uterus. It is growing in his uterus," Magnus corrected.

"UTERUS?" Maryse turned to her deformed son in disgust. "WHY DO YOU HAVE A UTERUS?"

"Clary's _really _good with this rune thing," Alec admitted.

"Is it his?" Maryse points an accusingly crooked finger towards the perpetually glittering Magnus Bane.

"Who else would it be with?"

"I don't know, Clarissa?"

"Well it sure wasn't with Beyonce," Magnus rolled his eyes.

"Beyonce would make a fine mother to my grandchild," Maryse declared, rubbing it in the warlock's face. "Unlike you!"

"Technically Alec is the mother," Magnus defended.

"I AM NOT THE MOTHER!" Alec sassed. "Sorry, hormones," he apologized. "Anyway, can you tell dad for me? I'm getting cramps. I don't want to wait for him."

"Been there, done that," Maryse joked. "Now get out of my house, you and your little shits!"

"There's only two little shits, to be precise," Magnus shrugged his shoulders. "Let's go, sweet pea." Magnus dragged Alec out the door, ready to get away from his sort-of-mother-in-law.

"Awww, that's such a cute nickname!" Alec cooed, shocking Magnus. Alec _never_ liked that name. Maybe it's the hormones? "Thanks, sparkle spinach! You're so good to me . . . and our future child!"

"Children," Magnus spat out, exasperated!

"WHAT? WE'RE HAVING MORE THAN ONE?"

"We've been over this, sweet pea," Magnus trudged along the street.

"DON'T. CALL. ME. THATTT!"

Hormones.

Alec's phone rang, and annoying soap opera music set as his ringtone, and he flipped open the phone. "WHAT DO YOU WANT, SISTER?"

"Guess what?" Isabelle squealed. "I'm pregnant, too!"

Magnus growled, "Holy. Shit."

* * *

**DAMN, THOSE LIGHTWOODS' SEX CELLS ARE ON FIYA! FOLLOW SO YOU CAN FIND OUT WHERE THIS GOES (HINT: IT AIN'T ABORTIONS AND SOMEONE WILL DIE)**


	4. Chapter 4

"OMG SOMEBODY I LOVE IS DEAD!" Alec screams as he strolls down the aisle filled with baby products.

"OMIGOD WHO? Please tell me it isn't Chairman Meow!" Isabelle said, stopping in front of the strollers.

"Oh, no, I was just quoting this girl from the news this morning. Her brother was murdered-but I think she was faking," he whispers.

"By the Angel, Alec, you scared me. I thought somebody was dead!" Isabelle groaned.

"Only some random boy," Alec said. "Hey, look at this vampire mobile! It'd be perfect for your child."

"I don't think Thomas will like that!"

"I thought you were having a girl?"

"WE ARE!" Izzy roared. "Sorry, hormones."

"I was wond-OH MY GOD!" He doubled over in pain, clutching his enlarged stomach. Izzy's eyes got wide as she worried that her brother was going into labor in the middle of Target.

"ALEC! DID YOUR WATER BREAK?" she screamed so loudly that a mundane couple looking at bibs looked at her in terror.

"I-I, MY EMOTIONS! IT HUUUURTTTSSS," he wailed. "IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!"

"Alec, the babies aren't out yet! You don't know how they look. They could be ugly as fuck. I mean, separately you guys are kind of cute, but together you guys are disturbing."

"ISABELLE!" he moaned.

"I'm sorry, we should get you to the hospital. Your water did break, right?"

"NO! I just saw the most amazing stroller in the entire world: a futuristic, gold plated, diamond encrusted, engraved with our initials!" Isabelle looked towards the stroller, which she had to admit was pretty epic, only the initials read "TG & MB."

"Um, Alec I hate to break it to you, but your initials aren't T.G."

"What? Yes they-I mean, no they aren't," Alec said suspiciously, winking in the direction of no one in particular.

"Who are you winking at?" Isabelle asked.

"Who are _you_ winking at?" Alec inquired.

Isabelle backed away from her brother, heading towards the aisle of diapers. Their trip to the store was not going as planned, and Isabelle was determined to buy something. Alec followed her when Magnus appeared in front of them. Alec jumped back, clutching his stomach. "You scared me!"

A target employee angrily stomped over to them and yelled at Magnus, "WE DO NOT ALLOW PORTALING IN THIS TARGET. YOU WILL BE REMOVED FROM THE PREMICES IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN!"

Magnus ignored the bitchy employee and turned to Alec. "Sugar lump, I'm afraid I have some bad news."

"What is it my sweet mango pie?" Alec asked dramatically.

"I was evicted from my apartment," Magnus explained. "For accidentally giving him our sex tape instead of the Hunger Games. He loves a good murdering of children, but is not a fan of sparkly-gay-supernatural sex."

"TMI," Isabelle groaned.

"What? The Mortal Instruments?"

"No. Too Much Information," Isabelle replied. There was a collective, realization, "Ohhhh," from Magnus and Alec.

"So what are you going to do about the apartment?"

"We have to move back to Columbia," Magnus sighed.

"WHAT? WHO DID YOU LIVE IN COLUMBIA WITH? WITH SOFIA VERGARA?"

"Yes, but that's besides the point," Magnus answered. "We have to go back there."

"NO! You must stay with us, Isabelle Lightwood, Simon Lewis, and the unborn child, Thomas Lewis!" Isabelle proclaimed, sinking to the floor, waving a red, French flag.

"What are you doing?"

"I'M AT THE BARRICADE!" Isabelle announced, waving her flag passionately.

"Um. Okay. You were saying?"

"I was saying you could live with my family at the barricade, if you so choose."

"That would be pleasurable, Mrs. Lewis," Magnus purred.

And with that, they exited the store, forgetting to pay for their items, and once again the exasperated target employee was returned to pit of rage.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

**"Alec, are you sure you can attend a Clave meeting like this?" Magnus asked gently.  
"I am SOOOOO READDYYY," Alec replied confidently, throwing open the doors and strutting in sassily.  
"Even in your current condition?" Jace asked, winking suggestively at Clary.  
"Why are you looking at me?" Clary was horrified. "I'm not pregnant—Jace we've known each other for like a year."  
"Oh. Right."  
"I HAVE ARRIVED," Alec announced, and a group of Clave members turned to take in the inexplicably pregnant man.  
Robert Lightwood hung his head in shame. "Son, what have you done?"  
"Father," Alec said sweetly, batting his eyelashes and shoving his bulging stomach into an unfortunate Clave member's face. "I have come to assist you in solving the issues of the Shadowhunter world."  
"That's great, son, but you and your little shits are not accepted here," Robert snapped.  
"Well then—OH SHIT MY WATER JUST BROKE!"  
"Stop fooling around. Get the fuck out of my house," Robert sneered.  
"No he's serious, Robs. There is water on the floor," Jace said.  
"Oh, that's just the water rune I've been working on," Clary assured them.  
Alec let out an agonized scream. "IS YOUR WATER RUNE SUPPOSED TO INFLICT IMMENSE PHYSICAL PAIN UPON OTHERS?"  
Clary shrugged. "Maybe."  
Alec then collapsed to the floor dramatically and Magnus stood above him, shaking his head disapprovingly. Alec struggled to see through the waterfall of glitter raining down on him.  
At that point the Clave members had left, led by Robert, who was sort of in denial that he had any children at all.  
"MAKE A RUNE TO GET THE COSMOS OUT OF ME," Alec ordered, but Clary couldn't.  
"Why did you name them Cosmo again?" Isabelle asked, hand on her own appropriately-sized, normally pregnant stomach.  
"The boy is Cosmo," Magnus corrected angrily. "The girl is Cosmee."  
"That doesn't make any—" Simon was cut off when Alec flung out his feet and knocked Simon to the ground.  
"GAHASHFWIOWJIL!" Alec groaned, clutching his stomach angrily. "GET. THEM. OUUUUUTTT!"  
Jace just laughed. "I'm not going to lie, but this is hilarious! Clary, give me your cellphone so I can film this. This will get so many notes on Tumblr!" Clary reluctantly handed over her phone. She had to admit, being tumblr famous would be pretty epic.  
"I always knew you had star potential," Magnus said proudly, ignorant to the fact that Alec was screaming.  
"You do realize he's having a baby, right?" Isabelle asked, a little confused as to why they were ignoring him.  
"I AM HAVING TWO," Alec reminded them furiously.  
"No need to rub it in," Isabelle said sadly.  
A cry broke out and everybody shifted their gaze to see Alec, sprawled on the floor, screaming as a hand stretched from out of his stomach. Grasped in its little hand was a stele. A real stele. "How the fuck did Alec give birth to a stele? Isn't it like made of wood or something?" Jace wondered. That's just nasty.  
Just then another hand burst from Alec's stomach. This one was clutching a seraph blade. "COSMEE," Magnus cried, shaking the hand. "It's so nice to meet you-"  
"WHY IS IT COMING OUT OF MY STOMACH?" Alec yelled, disgusted. Maybe the uterus rune wasn't as successful as they thought. Just then, the hands released the blade and stele, sending them clattering into the pool of blood around Alec.  
"Are shadowhunter babies always born with their own weapons?" Clary asked, confused.  
"Nope," Magnus said casually.  
"Great."  
"IS ANYONE GOING TO GET THE REST OF THESE THINGS OUT OF ME?" Alec wondered.  
"God, no. This is genius," Jace chuckled, zooming in on the two wiggling hands.  
"Seriously, just hold off for a moment, Alec, dear. We need to get a nice photo. This would be a great Christmas Card!" Magnus cheered, kneeling down beside Alec as Simon snapped a photo of them: Magnus covered in glitter, Alec, screaming in agony, and two tiny, baby hands posing.**

"Simon, we have to do that for our Christmas card too," Isabelle insisted.

"Guys," Alec said, and they all remembered he was giving birth.

"Um, Clary?" Magnus said. "Did you plan a way to get these things out of him?"

"They will find a way," Clary replied philosophically. "Life will always find a way."

"Nobody asked you!"

"MAGNUS DID!"  
"Well, we didn't think you'd be so philosophical. God, just get this thing OUT OF ME!" Alec wailed. Magnus moved to correct him, but Alec did it himself. "Sorry, thingSSS!"

"Does anyone have, like, a knife or something?" Clary asked.

"Well, the baby has a seraph blade."

"YEAH, AND IT FUCKING DROPPED IT," Alec reminded her.

"In a pool of blood," Clary added.

"And broken-water stuff . . " Simon said, though he didn't think that was the right term.

"God, this is great stuff," Jace laughed, showing off the blood-coated blade.

Suddenly, a voice rang out: "Can you please hand me my stele so I can get out of here?"

"Cosmee?"  
"Cosmooooo," said the voice from within Alec's stomach.

"AND MY SERAPH BLADE!" a high pitched voice chirped.

"Cosmee?"

"It's Cosmé. God, I had pronunciation errors," Cosmé sneered.

At that moment, Robert Lightwood reentered the room. "Sorry guys, forgot my phone-WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?"

"Hey dad, meet the grandchildren!" Magnus cheered. Robert backed away from the warlock, terrified of his excessive glitter. He was moving back towards the door when he tripped over his son's bulging stomach and the babies grabbed hold of Robert's ankles.

"Grannnnddppaaa," Cosmo and Cosmé whispered in unison, their voices very reminiscent of a horror movie. "Grannnnndppaaa!"

"BY THE MOTHERFUCKING OF FUCKING MOTHER ANGELS?" Robert exclaimed, disgusted by the little hands calling his name.

"Grannndpaaaa, come to us," they chanted. "Beee with usss."

At that moment, Alec let out a scream of agony as the two children burst from his stomach, glowing in blue glitter. "Ahhhh," a church choir sang as they rose, "Hallelujah!"

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, and Alec asked why.

"At least now I know they're not my children," Jace said.

"Why would they be your children?" Clary asked, confused. Then she got it, remembering the night when Jace snuck out to meet a "special friend." Jalec lives.

* * *

**WELL THAT WAS PRETTY INTENSE. STAY TUNED (?) FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER IN WHICH WE END THIS HAPPY LITTLE PARODY AND FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO MALEC'S CHILDREN. WOOH WOOH. PLEASE REVIEW AND SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS!**


	6. Chapter 6

"YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO SPEAK OF THAT NIGHT! I WAS DRUNK. I THOUGHT YOU WERE MAGNUS WEARING HIS ALEX PETTYFER WIG," Alec hissed at Jace.

"You weren't even drunk, Alec. I handed you a Diet Coke," Jace laughed.

"Are you saying you fed him a placebo so he'd do it with you? Who's gay now?" Clary asked angrily.

"Still me," Alec said cheerily.

"And I'm partly gay," Magnus added. "So, Alec, dear, did you have an affair with Jace?"

"I wouldn't call it an affair so much as a _relationship,_" Jace said suggestively thrusting his hips towards Alec. Baby Cosmo and Cosmé started singing and dancing to "Hip's Don't Lie." Magnus joined in the fun, followed by Isabelle, Simon, Clary, and even Robert. It was like Alec and Jace's coming out party that no one had ever thought would happen.

"So what does this mean for us, Jace?" Clary asked, stopping mid-dance.

"DON'T BE A FUCKING PARTY POOPER!" Cosmo yelled angrily.

"This is serious, Cosmo," Cosmé chastised him. "Go on, Jace. Answer the question."

"We're still together, babe," Simon said, winking awkwardly at Isabelle.

"I know, but what about THEM? Both my brothers are gay?" Isabelle questioned.

"No, I'm not gay! By the angel, I just wanted to experience new things. Dating my gay brother is at the top of my bucketlist! And we were at this club that night, and they had karaoke. We went up to sing together and ended up falling into a short-lived romance. We sang this song . . . ."

"THIS IS THE START OF SOMETHING NEW!" Alec remembers. "From Idris School Musical. Great night."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Magnus wondered.

"I thought you were hooking up with Raz at the time. My 'thing' with Jace evened it out."

"Raz?"

"Raziel. Duhhh," Alec rolled his eyes. Just then, the door burst open and Sebastian emerged with a creepy, Moriarty-like grin on his face.

"Yo!" Cosmo rapped. "Whazzup Johnny Chriss Morgs!"

"Seb!" Everyone cheered, a ca-ac-ads-cock-ofca-cacophony of excitement.

"Hey!" Stephanie said.

"Who's Stephanie?" Alec wondered. Nobody answered. Stephanie just smiled.

"How you doin J-Chriss?" Cosmé wondered.

"You know, just getting down with Stephanie."

"Yeah, man!" Cosmo said. "Dats how you do it!"

"How do you know each other?" Magnus wondered. "YOU WERE JUST BORN!"

"We have connections."

"Inside of Alec's uterus?"

"Yes. There's always 4 bars inside of there," Cosmé said matter of factly.

"So...why are you here, Seb?" Jace asked.

"I come bearing grave news," Seb said darkly, the lights suddenly out and a flashlight in his hands. "STEPHANIE! GET OUT OF THE ROOM SO I CAN TELL THEM THE GRAVE NEWS!"

"Who the fuck is Stephanie?" Alec repeated. Silence. Stephanie twerked out of the room in slow motion.

"Thank you, dawg. Now for the news." Jonathan gave a dramatic look at Alec and Magnus's newborn, yet somehow very mature, kids. "The children have been recruited by He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named."

"Voldemort?"

"No, ME!" Sebastian laughed and snatched the kids away and stormed out of the Institute, Stephanie trailing behind.

* * *

**WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? WHY ARE COSMO AND COSMé BEING RECRUITED BY SEB? AND WHO THE FUCK IS STEPHANIE? FIND OUT NEXT IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF THIS EPIC TRILOGY-WAIT, NO, SAGA-NO. SORRY. WE'RE NOT PROFESSIONALS (YET. PENGUINBOOKS IS STILL PICKING OUT THE COVER.) WE MEANT FANFIC! NEXT INSTALLMENT OF THE FANFIC! **


	7. Chapter 7

**SORRY WE HAVEN'T POSTED IN A WHILE! BUT HERE'S THE NEXT CHAP:**

"Thank the Angel those little shits are gone," Alec said, relieved.

"Alec!" Magnus protested. "Those little shits are our kids!"

"Both of them?" Alec was confused.

"Did you already forget giving birth to them?"

"Kind of."

"We have to find them," Clary said. "Someone clean up that mess."

"It's not that gross!" Alec said.

"I meant you," Clary said.

Magnus snapped his fingers and all the mess disappeared; Alec sparkled with glitter and was now a bright shade of pink.

"Huh," Jace said, admiring him. Clary punched him aside, to get a better view of Alexander.

Suddenly a fire message drifted into the room.

"Ooh, my Vamp Weekly," Simon said, grabbing at it. "i wonder who's the Sexiest Vamp of the Month." But suddenly the message burst open into the shape of a mouth, and began to speak in Cosmé's bellowing voice.

"FATHER. OTHER, SPARKLING FATHER. WE HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A TWERKING WOMAN AND SOMEONE NAMED SEB. FOLLOW HIM ON TWITTER AT JohnnyChrisMorgs IF YOU DARE!" Jace hastily took out his phone, opened up Twitter, and followed him. "IF YOU WISH TO SEE ME AGAIN, COME FIND ME. NOT COSMO. HE LIKES IT HERE!"

"He's been Tweeting us how to find the little shits," Magnus said, as he was on Twitter as well. Reading, he said, "Yo bitches! Just portaling to Pandemonium #shadowhunting #evil."

"Well, we better get going. I can't let Seb just take my daughter!" Magnus cried.

"What about your son?" Jace asked.

Magnus shrugged, examining his sparkling purple nails. "Eh, he's having fun. We'll pick him up later!"

"GUYS! New tweet from J-Chris!" Isabelle squealed. "'Getting down at the club with my girl StephanieTwerks! #clubbing #evil' We've got to go soon. I don't want to miss Stephanie twerking! She's the best!"

"Who the fuck is Stephanie?" Alec asked again. Silence ensued.

"How are we getting to the club?" Jace asked, trying to imitate Stephanie's flawless twerking.

"I've got a ride," said John.

"Who the fuck is John?" Alec asked. No one answered. They just piled into John's Batmobile, trampling Robert Lightwood in the process. When Alec entered the absurdly large vehicle, a flash mob was already in session. Johnny Chris was leading it all, standing in a spotlight in the middle of the club. He was wearing scandalous gear. Cosmo and Cosmé were dancing beside him as "Respect" blasted from the speakers.

" T," Cosmé screamed, incestuously twerking with her brother.

"TMI TMI TMI," Jace shouted, shielding his eyes. "TOO MUCH INCEST!"

"There's no such thing as too much incest," Seb said, winking at his sister.

"YOU'LL FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME," Cosmo shouted, bursting into an intense bout of breakdancing.

"Where is Stephanie?" Alec asked.

"TWERKING," everyone in da club replied in unison. Sure enough, Stephanie was huddled in the corner, twerking her heart out.

"Everyone stop the music! Now is NOT hammertime!" Alec tried to subdue the crowd, but a fairy just whiooed him.

"Dude, what the fuck is whiooing?" Jace asked. Alec just moaned in pain.

Magnus growled.

"Okay, cut the music!" Clary snapped her fingers. The music went out. "Wait, how the fuck did I do that?"

"You didn't. It was me, but the timing of your snap was perfect," Magnus responded.

"Okay . . . Well, Cosmo, Cosmé, let's go! We are RESCUING YOU! Not singing 'Respect,"" Alec announced.

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T TAKE CAR-"

"STOP," Simon said, plugging his ears.

"Are you saying my singing is bad?" Cosmé demanded, hurt.

"No, it's just . . . so good, that you should save it for later. Don't want to waste your talents on a lame group of Shadowhunters. . . "

"We're lame?" Now Jace was hurt.

"No need to fight, children," said Stephanie.

"Yeah, he only called the Shadowhunters lame. Not me," John noted. Then he and Stephanie resumed the twerk.

"You think you can rescue these little shits that easily?" Seb said.

"Kind of," said Magnus.

"Ha, not happening. They're not even here! These are holograms, by the motherfucking Angel!"

With that, the holograms dissolved, and Cosmé's voice rang out through the club: He's taken us to Idris! Please send help!  
Or not, Cosmo said. Please don't. I've started a breakdancing league here.

PLEASE COME QUICK! HE'S STILL SINGING OVER HERE!

"Come along, Sweet Pea!" Magnus said, throwing his arm around his sparkling boyfriend. "We must rescue our daughter! And son!"

"Wait," said Alec. "They're both ours?"

"And Stephanie. She's your daughter, too."


	8. Chapter 8

"Stephanie?" Alec asked, disgusted. Stephanie continued to twerk.

"DADDY," she yelled between twerks.

"Okay . . . what is she talking about?" Alec asked.

"Listen, Alec. You were drunk, I was drunk. It was a crazy night, man. But we had this daughter," Jace explained. Clary looked at him in disgust.

"Hey," Alec said, shrugging. "That Alex Pettyfer wig works magic."

"I would know," Magnus snapped. "I charmed it!"

"Wait, wait, wait," Simon said, holding up his hands. Everybody looked at him in anticipation, but he just stood there. He got bored, took out his magazine and started reading.

"Well?" Clary said.

"What?" Simon wondered.

"Aren't you going to say something?"  
"Oh, no. I was just trying to get everybody to shut up."

"Well, YOU HAVEN'T SUCCEEDED," shouted Isabelle supportively, whipping him.

"Anyway . . ." Clary started, trying to be productive here. "How exactly did Alec have a kid? I mean, I sure didn't give you a rune that time . . ."

Alec shifted his weight uncomfortably. "Oh, we just went to and ordered one. She was half price."

"They couldn't get her to stop twerking," Jace explained.

"THEY STILL CAN'T!" Stephanie shouted triumphantly from the dance floor.

"And how did she get here? They didn't just package her up and send her through the mail, right?" Simon wondered.

Alec and Jace shared a look of shame. Stephanie stopped twerking for a moment to remember the pain of being trapped in a paper box for so long.

"It does not matter how slow you twerk, so long as you do not stop," she said philosophically.

"Ok sure." Alec was not amused.

"We have to get your other kids," Isabelle said. "Cosmé stole my shoe."

"She should've stolen your whole outfit," sassed Magnus.

"John can give us a ride!" Jace declared.

"No, I can't."

"What about the Batmobile?"

"It was a rental," John wailed, collapsing to the dance floor.

"I'll call the pack. We can ride them to Idris," Clary said, pulling out her phone. "Hey Luke. Wanna help your lover's daughter out? I knew you would!"

"I'd really rather not," Luke admitted. "I've never really liked it when people ride me. Well, except for Jocelyn . . ."

"Yeah, I know," Clary groaned. The noises at night were disturbing. That was the less obvious reason she started sleeping at the Institute. "Anyway, will you come get us?"

"Fine . . ." Luke groaned.

"I'm rADIOACTIVE," Stephanie declared suddenly. She raised her flag, but Magnus stopped her before she could don her clothes.

When Luke showed up with da pack. He was in wolf form, and his coat had been dyed a disgusting shade of green.

"Luke, wtf?" Clary asked.

"WOOOOOFFF" he barked. Clary translated: Jocelyn's been painting again. She thought I was a fur rug and accidentally painted me while I slept.

"Woof," Luke barked mournfully.

"SHE STOLE YOUR PISTACHIOS?" Clary translated, horrified.

"No, I think it's Pinocchios. Luke has a large collection of them." Clary considered this for a moment then sighed. It was true: Luke had a whole storage room full of Pinocchio paintings and dolls. Jocelyn tried to burn it to the ground, but he had built bullet-proof, fire-proof walls. "Well, if you and your pack get us to Idris, I'll make my mom give them back."

"Woof," Luke barked slyly. Deal. Clary hopped onto his back. Simon got onto Maia. Isabelle slid onto Jordan. The others sat on other wolves, except for Stephanie and John. John was too busy dancing with some demons to notice the wolves. Stephanie was twerking lonesomely next to a wolf, but she couldn't figure out how to sit on it.

"Steph, honey, just put one leg over the wolf and sit down," Jace told his daughter. Stephanie followed his command, but remained twerking subtly atop of the poor wolf.

"TO ALICANTE!" Clary shouted, but Luke didn't feel like moving yet.

"Wait, we don't know they're in Alicante," Simon pointed out.

"There are other cities in Idris?" Clary asked, confused.

"TO ALICANTE!" Luke suddenly agreed, charging forward so fast that while he shot through the portal Magnus had conjured, Clary fell off; for the second time she'd been left behind while her "friends" portaled to Idris.

**Everyone nearly trampled her on the way through, and when they were done, Clary decided that not only was she going to follow them to Idris, but she was going to get her revenge.**


	9. Chapter 9

When they arrived in Idris, Stephanie twerked her way off of her wolf. Jace, Simon, Isabelle, Alec and Magnus all got off of theirs. "Wait, where's Clary?" Simon asked.

"Nobody fucking cares!" Jace screamed. The daylighter whimpered.

"TO LAKE LYN!" Magnus cried, charging ahead.

"Why?" Said Simon.

"NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU, SIMON."

"Izzy?"

"Not really, tbh."

"Seb just tweeted: swimming at da lake with my bffs #poisonouslake #stillevil!" Magnus said, looking down at his glitter-coated phone.

"WOOF!" Luke barked. CHARGE!

The gang charged for Lake Lyn, which was mere feet from the portal. They all fell in, and unfortunately, they all knew how to swim so no one died. (Fuck. Now we have to keep writing this story.)

"There!" Magnus declared, pointing to the middle of the lake. "Alec, it's Seb and the little shits!"

"I should name my band that," Simon remarked.

"That's a great idea," said Brother Zachariah, materializing out of nowhere.

"Why are you talking?" Simon asked, confused, and asked, "Who's the chick on your back?"

"I'm Tessa," said the chick. "And he's talking because HE CAN. FREEDOM OF SPEECH, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

"Heeelllp usss," Cosmé hissed from the lake.

"Nah, bro, we're livin it up over here," Cosmo said. They were on the deck of a party boat, Macklemore music blaring through the speakers and bodies gyrating everywhere, Stephanie leading the crowd in a group twerk.

"How did she get over there?" Alec said.

"Who?" Everyone asked.

Alec gave up.

"Alec, do we really need those kids? I don't like swimming," Magnus complained.

"We could call Percy?" Isabelle suggested.

"Percy who?" Said Percy Jackson, who had portaled with them.

"Not you," Isabelle said. "The Percy Company. They can sink a ship faster than Cassandra Clare."

Magnus whipped out his bedazzled phone. "Hello, Percy Company? I need you to sink a party boat and bring me a doughnut. With sprinkles. Also Chairman is hungry. What the fuck do you mean you don't sell cat food? You're a boat company."

Magnus fronwed.

"SHIT, HE'S FRONWEDDING AGAIN," Isabelle said, annoyed.

"I think he meant to frown," Simon corrected. Izzy tried to drown him.

"Is the Percy Company coming?" Stephanie asked, twerking her way across the water to congregate with them.

"They're bringing pizza soon. I don't know about the boat-wrecking thing."

"New plan," Jace decided. "My lovely daughter, Stephanie, will challenge Sebastian to a twerking contest. Whoever wins gets the children."

"OH YEAH," Stephanie battle-cried, twerking violently in anticipation.

"I accept the Terms of the Twerk," Sebastian's voice boomed over Lake Lyn's PA system. "Stephanie, if you will, approach the center of the lake."

"I'll do you proud, Father," she said solemnly to Jace.

"I'm your dad too," Alec whined.

"But you're not a very good one," Stephanie pointed out.

"Touché," Alec said, winking suggestively.

"Whatever happens," Jace said to his daughter, suddenly and inexplicably feeling protective, "I will always love you."

"I won't," Alec said.

"I know." With that, Stephanie glided across the top of the water as gracefully as a walrus who had recently lost his tusks.

Sebastian also flew down to meet her, on the stage that Raziel made rise from the depths of the lake.

"SHOUT OUT TO MY HOMEBOY RAZ," Stephanie said.

"My money is on Seb," Raziel replied.

"Idek, man, Steph's looking pretty damn fine at the moment," Cosmo smiled, growling to himself as he watched Stephanie stretching.

" G," said Satan darkly.

"Stan," Stephanie huffed, "I wasn't ready."

"I D O N' K," Satan said. He usually didn't.

Seb took the floor first, doing his best possible twerk in the direction of Clary, his beloved sister.

"Oh, yeah!" Clary encouraged, appearing behind them with the Mortal Sword in hand.

"NO!" Stephanie cried, trying to twerk her aside. But Clary cut her left hand off with the sword.

"THAT WAS MY TWERKING HAND," Stephanie wailed, collapsing into the lake.

"You don't have a twerking hand; you twerk with your butt," Alec said, demonstrating helpfully.

"Alec would know," Magnus said slyly.

"I have come to claim what is NOT rightfully mine-your children bitches-and win the Twerking Olympics," Clary said valiantly.

"Why? I thought you were on our side," Simon said, confused.

"I was until THE WOLVES TRAMPLED ME. THANKS DAD," Clary said pointedly at Luke. Luke woofed in response. "And now, to avenge my trampled self, I will twerk Stephanie to the death."

"What about me?"

"I can't kill Johnny Chris Morgs. He's my bro," Clary said. "TWERK ME BROTHER!"

"TMI: Too Much Incest," Simon murmured to himself.

"Let's defeat them once and for all," Clary said, joining her brother's side. "TWERK. IT. OUT!"

Clary and Seb started an extravagant routine composed of elegant twerks and dramatic lifts. Stephanie replied with a double-twerk-arial-spin-flip-thingy, which she executed perfectly. Magnus and Jace held up "10's" while Alec only gave her a "4". Seb stepped up and ripped off his gear to reveal sparkly, spandex twerking getup. Clary tore off her own gear but was simply wearing nothing. "Oops," Clary mumbled, putting her clothes back on. "Sorry for flashing you again, Bro."

"Nah, iz cool," Seb replied. Stephanie did a final twerk before dropping onto the stage floor with exhaustion. Twerking nonstop all of her life had taken its toll. Seb followed, collapsing onto the ground, crushing Cosmé.

"Help," Cosmé hissed from under him, struggling to breathe under his spandex.

"MY BABY!" Magnus cried, rushing to her. He shoved Seb off and he rolled onto Clary. Magnus lifted Cosmé up and hugged her happily. "Oh, sweet pea, I'm so glad you're alive!"

"What about me?" Cosmo asked.

"I'm . . uh, happy that you're not dead, too, I guess . . " Magnus lied terribly.

"I'm happy you're alive, son," Alec smiled proudly, wrapping an arm around the now full-grown Cosmo. "Let's go play some baseball."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Idk, I just assumed all dads played baseball with their sons," Alec defended.

"Anyway, Clary, nice battle, but I think you better stay with your brother," Jace said.

"You're breaking up with me?" she exclaimed dramatically.

"I have a daughter to raise. I don't have time to play around with some angry red head," Jace sighed, hopping onto Luke's back.

"Well, that's fine, 'cause Seb and I are going to LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER MOTHERFUCKER," Clary screamed, running off towards the party boat.

"Idk, man. That girl's hormonal," Seb shrugged, following after her.

"Well, that was fun. Let's get home. It's getting late and the kids have school tomorrow," Magnus said in a father-like tone.

"We do?" Cosmé asked.

"No, but it just seems like the right thing to say." The four of them-Alec, Magnus, Cosmo and Cosmé-portaled back home.

Jace snatched Stephanie off of the ground and flung her on Maia's back. "Woof?" she asked. "Yes, you can take her to the dungeons, Maia. Luke, to the stars!" Jace cried. The two wolves charged off in opposite directions, a family split apart.

Simon and Isabelle were the only ones left. "I still hate you," Isabelle snarled. "You don't have what it takes to be America's Next Top Model."

"Tyra only said I didn't make it to the next round because I AM A M-A-N," Simon defended.

"You're a nam?"

"NO. I AM NOT SPELLING IT BACKWARDS THIS TIME. A MAN. A MAAAANNN," Simon groaned.

"Oh, okay, see you later, nam," Isabelle waved goodbye and marched off towards Alicante.

Simon looked around and groaned. He was alone. Slowly, he began to twerk in lonesomeness. And he twerked for the rest of his life, forever alone in this othewise-twerkless world.

OKAY SO WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED OUR FANFIC OF MALEC AND TWERKING AND IDEK MAN. THANKS FOR READING. THE END.


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